wow happy 2026 or something!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!
i want to make this year a good one
i feel i spent the majority of 2025 resting up and healing from years old stuff, and that's not a bad thing!
i don't often think about or talk about how much bullshit i've been through, i keep it to myself for the most part these days. so i feel like the majority of people talking to me might think i'm doing really well based on my cute art or something. the truth is i choose to make cute art because it's in protest to giving in to despair, essentially. having fun and making silly fun things despite it all, not letting go of that part of myself. the fact i'm alive and doing Anything, that i even survived, that i've made any art at all, is a fucking miracle and i need to remember that more often, that i'm not lazy like i've been called constantly while dealing with hell etc etc
content warning for abuse, financial struggles, childhood trauma, etc.
read further only if you feel safe to do so!
image provided to space this out and give you a chance to click off without seeing the rest of this lmao
yo you're still here?
okayyyyy my life from age 12-23 was pretty much a mess lmao, this is only a small aspect of it but my health was constantly landing me in the hospital. i'm 24 now and i feel like i've only just been now given the space to grow and BREATHE cause damnnnn
if you're actually reading this blog rn then you asked for it LMFAO. here's a summary of a small part of it, on top of the health issues... my housing has NOT been stable since i was like 13 maybe?? moving from place to place constantly, childhood home getting foreclosed when i was like 14ish (i sincerely can't remember the year anymore) into living in a tiny motel room for over a year with my abusive father into an apartment where it's not like that got any better, then into another abusive home across the country trying to flee that situation, then my mom and i got kicked out by my goddamn BROTHER for not getting jobs, keep in mind i was 17 years old fresh from residential psychiatric treatment and my mom is severely disabled and in pain 24/7, then to my mom's "friend's" house who said i was possessed by a demon and purposely tried to upset me constantly and snooped through my stuff, then back to my goddamn abusive father's apartment because we got kicked out because i was 17 years old and "possessed," then into a domestic violence shelter for several months, then into an apartment in an extremely unsafe area where people were getting shot constantly, and a week before we were evicted due to financial issues, the apartment below us's windows were shattered by bullets, and then we lived in another tiny motel room for another year and FINALLY, finally, finally, by sheer luck with elder care helping my mom, we managed to get an apartment again about a year and a half ago! can't even tell if i forgot anything because it's all such a mentally blocked out blur! i don't even remember what some of those places looked like!
SO YEAH I"VE BEEN TAKING SOME TIME TO BREATHE. and of course throughout all that i was in and out of the hospital constantly because of course i was, lol, teenager to young adult living through absolute unstable hell, of course i was losing it, and of course everyone around me including family and teachers my whole life just called me lazy, as if they could get anything done under those conditions. raising my eyebrow at the school system as usual... and then more recently another person using me constantly during the last motel stay but hey, it's over now???? shit with not knowing where you're gonna sleep or what you're gonna eat fucks you up mentally, i don't feel safe spending money Ever, i constantly feel like when any little thing goes wrong financially i'm about to be sleeping in our car again or worse. SO it better be over i'm about to start chewing through walls /hj
things are marginally better now, (also my abusive father is dead ayyyyy lets gooooooo) and frankly with a stable roof over my head i'll tell you it makes so much of a difference mentally. not worrying about eating or being able to sleep somewhere safe is very good for me as someone who's basically never had that since i was a little kid! but obviously the state of the world doesn't fill me with confidence.
i'll keep on surviving either way, bitch, good luck getting rid of me motherfuckers i'll keep fighting for a better future til my last breath, i've actually started consistently going to pr0tests and calling reps in the past year or so despite that being difficult for me healthwise and i'm locking tf in, all hands on deck
damn i got off track i wanted to talk about what i wanna do in 2026 goddamnit
okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy so, knowing all that, i've had this time to rest and i want to start putting effort into projects, into doing things i've always wanted to do, into creating things that are important to me, and into supporting my mom better.
my main resolution: get my drivers license! it's important that i be able to drive because my mom's pain keeps getting worse and i feel awful that the burden is always on her whenever either of us have to go anywhere. driving terrifies me and i never got to take drivers ed as a kid due to constant hospitalization, but i want to do it even though it's scary. it's expensive as fuck though like who the hell just has 800 dollars lying around. not me or anyone in this current economic hellscape free me from this prison. eat the rich etc. luckily i'm old enough in my state that i don't have to take a formal class to be able to get a license, so i'm planning to learn from my mom, and from freely available resources to the best of my ability. (i'm not irresponsible though if i work at it and don't think i can properly learn it without an instructor i'll get help LMAO)
my secondary resolution: work on a large scale project, art or something within an artistic field, etc, pick something and lock in. i've really only done small stuff because it's all i've had the mental capacity for during all this stuff i've had to deal with! but i've always had those pipe dreams of making a game, or an animation, or a comic, or a coloring book, or plushies, or clay figures, etc. my first goal will be to lock down on a specific project i'd like to put my focus towards by the end of february, and i'll keep reassessing as time goes on on what would be realistic goals to set monthly through the year.
a third resolution: getting out of the apartment more, yeah i've always been pretty reclusive lol. i'm only recently identifying that i even have agoraphobia in the first place, many people would have probably told me it was extremely obvious, considering literally just going to the bank to withdraw rent money i have to prepare myself mentally in the car for 20+ minutes, for a 2 minute interaction with the teller. and the person that was using me, i was essentially just their wallet any time they invited me anywhere, and that left me feeling dejected, like people only want to hang out with me if they want something from me. but i've found events in my local area i'd really like to go to!!! art stuff and music stuff and more :3 it's mostly a matter of breaking that mental barrier that tells me i can't go anywhere ever and that if i go outside i'll explode or something idk lmao. i hope to tell my online friends when i'm trying to get myself to go to stuff so they can help me stay accountable ^^ i'll do my best and hopefully not be so isolated anymore
most of all, this year, i want to be my own friend again. mentally i'm always down on myself, my inner self talk is absolute garbage like i'm so mean to myself. always criticizing myself for not being able to do the things that other people do so easily. but everyone's struggling (everyone normal at least, if you're rich you're not normal and will never have my respect) whether or not we see it on the surface. everyone deserves a little more patience from themselves, and a little more gentleness with themselves. take care of you and be kind to you, you are someone that you will live with your entire life and you should be good to yourself. i hope that i can reach a point where i'm able to do this as well.
happy new year, and if you're in a place where it seems there's no light at the end of the tunnel, i hope you can read this and know that i sincerely am doing better now, despite over 10 years of struggling with abuse, financial hell, housing instability, mental health issues, etc. i'm at a point where i'm starting to feel okay, even good at times! a better future is not only possible, it's inevitable, there are so many of us now who are growing more determined to change things in the world. keep on holding on and be kind to yourself when it feels like it's too much, it's not a personal failing, there really is so much to deal with. just keep doing what you can, and get back up again over and over, i will be too!